In 2012 I was asked to become part of the speaking/preaching rotation at a local church. The reason for this is that shortly after I started attending this church, the leadership team found out I had some prior experience doing that kind of thing, so they asked me if I’d be willing to speak occasionally. I told them no (repeatedly), but it didn’t matter. Next thing I know I’m on the list of speakers for some future, yet-to-be-determined date(s).
There was a gap of a few months before I was actually scheduled. In the meantime, during that interim period, I had had to terminate an employee for being a liar and a thief. That former employee then found out I had been asked to speak and sent an email to the church suggesting they not have anything to do with me since I had no compassion for liars who claimed hours they didn’t actually work. That part was true, but she also said some things that were not true.
The church leaders felt pretty confident the email was nonsense and shared it with me. I was grateful they trusted me, but it got me thinking, “what if other people decide to send negative emails, too?” I mean, it’s not like I have a trail of angry and disgruntled former employees, friends, and wives laid out behind me, but the fact is you can never be too careful. Plus, I wanted to have a little fun.
After consulting my thoughts, I determined the best course of action was to send my own email to the church, an email that was sure to put me in a better (and might I say, more correct?) light. However, I couldn’t exactly put my name to it, right?
The following is the email I sent. I wrote it channeling a semi-literate, hyper-religious christian shut-in (no offense if you are one). I thought it was hilarious and only a matter of time before church leadership contacted me to scold me for being such a funny crazy kidder kind of guy. But I was wrong. They didn’t actually think it was funny. They did let me preach, though. But only twice. And they didn’t think that was very funny either.
Here is the email…
From: mailto:almostattainingperfection@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, August 23, 2012 12:15 PM
To: info@xxxxx.org
Subject: To Whom It May Concern regarding Steve Rethmeier
Brothers and sister of Rock Harder [not the name of the church, but close]
I have recently found out that Steve Rethmeier is here (returned from the presence of the lord probably) and is now attending Rock Harder. I want to attend Rock Harder because I didn’t before because you are into art which is a sin. I have also heard that he will be preaching which is so hard since I am house bound from a freak golfing accident where I lost both feet and my left ear. Anyway, I wish I could come and hear him because his words will be the words of an angel or at least of a person like Mother Teresa. I know him because I met him twice and have heard him speak five times. He is a man probably (because he said so), but sometimes it is hard to remember that when weighting his countenance. “His eyes shine like justice and he has the legs of a dancer.”
Psalm 94 says: “When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Whenever I read this, I think of STEVE in place of LORD. I also think of him when I read this from Exodus: “If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. But the owner of the bull will not be held responsible.” I don’t know why that reminds me of him, but he is a great man.
You should always trust him, even when you don’t. I’m glad you have him in your church because if it’s small it will become big but I hope your find out about how bad art can be. So many have fallen. Vegetarians are bad too. Did you know that he once fasted from smiling for a year and no one could tell? I also know that snakes are afraid of HIM. He practices what he preaches which means he walks around on his pool sometimes of which I have no doubting. He doesn’t care about money which is probably why he has so much. I wish I could work for him but I can’t walk, but maybe I would if I could. He’s a healer.
You have choosed wisely “the man the LORD chooses will be the one who is holy. You Levites have gone too far!” Numbers 16. I want to warn you not to anger him because you might die from it “don’t let the sun go down on your anger because it will burn you like stubble.” But if you make him happy and let him do what he wants which is always Gods will it will prosper you.
I’m only trying to help but a prophit is not always liked in his town. I’m from Barstow right now.
“Let God be true and every man a liar.”